A new book called, “How To Raise Your Adult Children” claims that some parents may be to blame for their adult children’s unwillingness to “grow up”. The authors, Gail Parent and Susan Ende, decided to write the book after stuggling to find advice on how to raise their own adult children. What they found was a growing trend of 18 – 24 year old children moving back in with their parents.
“I’ve seen the trend coming,” Ende said. “I know the economy made it worse, but parents have been over-parenting and not letting the kids figure things out. I’m really kind of astonished at how (often) parents do the problem solving for their children.”
“When your child comes back from college and are living with you it sounds cozy,” Parent said. “But what happens is they watch television in the afternoon, they need an allowance and it makes the whole family revert to when they were 13.”
“If you’re living in the real world and you can’t pay your rent, the thing you do is go to the landlord and see if you can get an extension,” Ende said. “But what kids are doing today is every problem they come across they call their parents, and their parents are right there solving the problem, so the kids never really learn how to do it themselves.”
“Issues now are a little different than in the past,” Berg said. “Children are not quickly going into adulthood and getting married; they are going into higher education. So right now we’re renegotiating how parents and children interact.”
“You also want to give them some autonomy and support decisions even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. And when you need to control, do it in a way that supports autonomy. Rather than telling them what to do, give them suggestions.”
“Our job as parents is to teach them how to stand on their own two feet,” Parent said. “It’s not to teach them that coming to your house is the most comfortable thing to do as an adult.”
The bottom line, said Ende, is that both adult children and their parents will benefit from a relationship that isn’t co-dependent.
“Adult kids really don’t feel better being taken care of,” Ende said. “It temporarily solves the problem, but they are ashamed of themselves. The more dependent they are, the more self-doubt they have, and the more self-doubt they have the more dependent they become.”
I have personally seen many married couples in these situations with trying to help out adult children. In some of these cases I have seen people put their own retirement in jeopardy due to giving too much to kids in a bind. So I know this is a real issue that many families are having to deal with. My advice to clients is that it’s great to help out your adult kids, but keep it within reason. Talk to your financial advisor to make sure that what you plan to give isn’t going to derail your own financial plan.
Adult children should only move in with their parents under extreme circumstances such as the loss of their home, job, or perhaps a divorce. The emphasis while living with their parents is to solve the issues that required them to move home. If they need a new job they should be out job hunting and not sitting around during the daytime watching TV or playing games. If education is the issue, they should be in school and spending time studying to finishing their degree asap. They should then be looking for a job. Giving them money should only be done to assist them with school or finding a job, not as an obligation the parents owe their children.
Great comment Lynn! Although there’s a lot to watch on 250 channels of satellite, they should be out there hunting for a job or going to school. They will feel better about it too. I am curious to know what people think about charging adult children rent???
We had a time in our lives that we needed to help one of our adult children financially. When we felt that it was time, we decided to back off slowly from giving financial support. That child is doing much better now.
That’s a good idea. Depending on the situation, cutting them off all at once could really create some problems. It’s good that you could help them when they needed it, but then you knew when it was time to stop.
We were a young married couple with children. We bought a manufactured home and while things were tight, we were making it and doing fine. Without warning, some severe health issues made it so our work was cut in half. That meant our income was cut in half suddenly within a day. As the months wore on, ‘bad’ became ‘worse’. We ended up trying to sell everything of value; our house, our car, our furniture, our wedding rings, our nicer clothes etc. The house took over 18 months to sell. When it did and we moved out so the buyers could get in our loan officer willingly withheld the closing for several more months for “personal reasons”. That meant we now had to pay on 2 properties. I remember a night I had to listen to my kids cry themselves to sleep because I had no food to give them. It was to the point we could have been homeless. It took many years to recover from that time. One time, my husband ended up in the hospital because working fulltime, going to school, with another side job just put too much strain on him.
That was the reality. I would have rather done without then go to our parents for help but I could not let my kids do without. So then, is it a “hand up” or a “hand out”? We were working as hard as we could! At the time, none of our efforts seemed to do any good even though it was. We applied for programs through the government and our church. In both cases we were asked to go to our families first. Even at the food bank. So we did, because we felt forced to and we hated it.
Okay,… here’s what I think. As the adult child, sometimes you have to go to your parents even if you would rather die. They may be able to help in different ways. Most of us do NOT want to suck our parents retirement funds. While some may give you money, others may be able to watch your kids so you can go to school, or maybe they have some food storage they can give you. It is great if the parent is up front- “this is what I can do.” Then, the child knows what to expect. My mom could never afford to give us money, but suggested different ideas that might help. She was a great support to me. Don’t give a child money you dont feel like you can give and then just resent them for it. That will just put a rift in the family.
Also, if the childs situation is dire, realize that it isnt going to go away quickly or with a “quick fix”. So, just be honest. Do what you can do and let them know you are on their side. Don’t hold it against your child if they cannot make the problem go away quickly.
My advice to parents: Dont compare children! Not everyone is going to make 6 figures. Not everyone is going to struggle financially. However dire situations can and do come up. Also, if it does, your children may not want to “advertise” how bad it is. It is terrable to be the object of discussion between the parents and other siblings when not all the facts have been shared. I heard a comment once that “at least now we have a ‘real job’. The other job was real. My husband worked alongside people with 2 or 3 more degrees and made the same amount. It wasnt enough money and a change needed to be made- but we were doing all we could at the time. The reason we have our current job is because my brother gave the company a glowing reccomendation of my husband which was a huge hand up. (Although, the second degree did look good on his resume and his experience spoke for itself.) In that case it was “who we knew” that made the difference.
Now we have children who will, in a few short years, be our adult children. While, naturally I want my kids to be able to support themselves, if they experience dire circumstances I will do what I can to get them on their feet and on their own again. I will remember the difference between a “hand up” and a “hand out.”
Great comment Christine, thanks for sharing the “flip side” of this type of situation. It sounds like you only went to your parents as a last resort after trying everything else on your own. I think this book is talking more about those adult kids out there who want their parents to solve ALL their problems, and the parents who are trying to do that. We need more people in this country like you who want to take responsibility for themselves. It’s not a bad thing to ask for help when you really need it.
I have 3 adult children. The two oldest boys are on their own, and I do not help them financially or take care of them. My youngest, a daughter is almost 28 years old. She had a child at 16, and then was diagnosed as bipolar, rapid cycling type. I have raised my grandaughter all her life. I have helped my daughter countless times financially and otherwise. She makes awful choices, got into drugs then went to rehab, bounces from man to man etc. She is on disability because she is not stable mentally. Recently she divorced, but before she did she met a man in drug rehab and moved in with him 3 hours away. She has been in and out of my home many times. She never seems to learn from her mistakes. Even when I have left her to her own devices and refused to help her in any way, she still does not learn about consequences. Recently her second child who is a 7 year old boy came to live with me as well. His life has been very unstable and also dangerous at times. His father is a meth addict, and my daughter had a man die in their home a year ago because of drug overdose. My grandson was there at the time, and my youngest grandson was too and he was a year old at that time. I really do not know what to do in my situation since there are different circumstances than “normal” adult children issues here. My husband and I still work full time, and it is hard on us to raise two kids. We know that they are safer with us, but my daughter tries to take advantage of us still. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hello Jane, thanks for sharing your situation. It sounds like it’s been very difficult for you, and my heart goes out to you. When there are grandkids involved like this, it’s really hard to NOT help. You definitely don’t want to see the kids suffer or even worse, get taken away by social services. At the same time, it sounds like your own financial situation is being strained by this. Maybe this article will help you find some answers on how to deal with your daughter: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=d71455c49e0eb010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Don’t give up on her. You never know when she may get worn out by the world and decide to make some changes in her life.
As for the financial side of things, you should probably sit down with a financial planner to make sure that your own retirement plan is on track. Maybe he or she could identify some ways to improve your financial situation and ensure that you’re going to be OK financially.
Thanks for your reply Mark. My husband and I are not planning to rely on social security as our complete retirement plan! We do own and manage several rental properties that contribute to our income, and I have a pension plan through my job at the electric coop. I also have a Roth IRA account that I contribute to each pay period. Yes, my concern is for the health and happiness of my grandchildren…and I get very upset at the choices my daughter makes sometimes. But as a mother I cannot ever just “give up” on my kids even though at times I feel like doing just that! I will not “enable” them if they make bad choices, they need to learn to make better decisions. I can offer support and guidance, and leave the rest to them. We should be LESS strained financially at this time in our lives of course, but we are on track with getting most all debts totally paid off in a maximum of 5 years or less by my calculations. We bought a large home on foreclosure for investment purposes mainly, but the market is not good at this time for resale. We did not intend to pay off this particular home, just work on it and make a profit. We have a small two bedroom home we planned to live in at retirement time, time will tell I guess! Our situation is difficult yes, but we also have a lot of good things in our lives too. At least we are healthy and ABLE to care for the grandchildren right now. And they are very good kids. Jane