“I’ve seen the trend coming,” Ende said. “I know the economy made it worse, but parents have been over-parenting and not letting the kids figure things out. I’m really kind of astonished at how (often) parents do the problem solving for their children.”

“When your child comes back from college and are living with you it sounds cozy,” Parent said. “But what happens is they watch television in the afternoon, they need an allowance and it makes the whole family revert to when they were 13.”

“If you’re living in the real world and you can’t pay your rent, the thing you do is go to the landlord and see if you can get an extension,” Ende said. “But what kids are doing today is every problem they come across they call their parents, and their parents are right there solving the problem, so the kids never really learn how to do it themselves.”

“Issues now are a little different than in the past,” Berg said. “Children are not quickly going into adulthood and getting married; they are going into higher education. So right now we’re renegotiating how parents and children interact.”

“You also want to give them some autonomy and support decisions even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. And when you need to control, do it in a way that supports autonomy. Rather than telling them what to do, give them suggestions.”

“Our job as parents is to teach them how to stand on their own two feet,” Parent said. “It’s not to teach them that coming to your house is the most comfortable thing to do as an adult.”

The bottom line, said Ende, is that both adult children and their parents will benefit from a relationship that isn’t co-dependent.

“Adult kids really don’t feel better being taken care of,” Ende said. “It temporarily solves the problem, but they are ashamed of themselves. The more dependent they are, the more self-doubt they have, and the more self-doubt they have the more dependent they become.”

I have personally seen many married couples in these situations with trying to help out adult children.  In some of these cases I have seen people put their own retirement in jeopardy due to giving too much to kids in a bind.  So I know this is a real issue that many families are having to deal with.  My advice to clients is that it’s great to help out your adult kids, but keep it within reason.  Talk to your financial advisor to make sure that what you plan to give isn’t going to derail your own financial plan.

While going to get a burger and shake may not seem like a big deal, the stakes get much higher as children grow older and parents start making financial gifts, or giving financial assistance to them.

In personal financial planning, reducing a person’s estate is often a concern.  Many people who are in a position to do so, will make financial gifts to their children for estate planning purposes.  This is usually done when someone is trying to reduce their taxable estate, or just to let their kids enjoy some of their inheritance early.  Additionally, parents will often give financial assistance to children when there is a need.  While there is nothing wrong with giving money to your children, you need to be very careful in how you do this so that nobody screams, “That’s not fair!”

Equal gifts, but not equal needs

Every family that has adult children knows what it’s like to have at least one child who has a greater financial need than the others.  Parents are often naturally inclined to want to help this child out a little more than the others.  This is where it can get a little sticky.  If a parent gives money to one child and not to the others, they take a chance of driving a wedge into the family.  While you may think you are doing that child a favor, (and you are) your other children may not feel the same way about it when they find out.  I have seen several situations like this where siblings who were better off financially felt left out, cheated, and maybe even less loved, because their parents didn’t give gifts equally.  I’ve seen this drive a wedge between siblings, and between parents and children.

Leaving more to one child

I’ve also seen situations where parents left more of their estate to one child when they passed away.  Again, this was a case where the parent felt that this particular child had a greater financial need and would benefit more from the larger inheritance.  While this may have been true, the child who inherited less was left to feel left out and somehow less loved.  Even though this is done with good intentions, it can really tear a family apart.  The more well-off child resented the sibling that was left with a bigger inheritance, and at this point the two have not spoken to each other in about 10 years.

Is there a better way?

Only you can decide the best way to handle these situations.  But I have seen some different things that people have done to try and make .  In one situation, a child was having some financial difficulties and the parent wanted to help them out.  They made an agreement that any money the parent gave them now would be deducted from their final inheritance when the parent passed away.  I thought that this was a fair way to help the child out now, but still be fair to the other children in the family.  I have seen other families require the child to pay back the money over time, but with little or no interest.  This method helps the child out now and allows them pay the money back when they get back on their feet.

There are a lot of ways to deal with these situations that allow you to help out a child in need.  While it’s easy to think, “My other kids don’t need this money”, you may not be doing them a favor in the long run.  You may in fact be setting them up for family contention down the road if you don’t give equally to all of your children.  Even if they don’t need the money as badly, if another child gets more, there could easily be feelings of resentment and bitterness towards the other child, and towards you.  No one wants to be remembered that way.